


please leave now

by kenzily



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abusive Parents, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Manipulation, Gaslighting, Manipulation, Parents, im scared to post this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29858853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenzily/pseuds/kenzily
Summary: sometimes i question whether my parents love me or not. i stay up late, tossing and turning. i’m aware they will never like me. but i wonder if they still feel that obligation as a parent to love their child unconditionally.....i love them. sometimes i wish i didn’t.ORi'm scared of my parents and writing is the only way i know how to cope smile





	please leave now

**Author's Note:**

> parents by yungblud 
> 
> yeah thats it basically im scared to post this even though i know they wont see it i feel like i cant call it abuse bc thats diminishing other peoples problems and :( idk i just have a bad relationship with my parents and im scared of them and i want out :(

parents

sometimes i question whether my parents love me or not. i stay up late, tossing and turning. i’m aware they will never like me. but i wonder if they still feel that obligation as a parent to love their child unconditionally. 

i can’t remember the last time one of them hugged me. i can’t remember the last time they said “i love you”. 

i’m sure my dad means well. 

it feels so wrong to write about him when he’s the one who

picks fruits in the backyard with me

takes me on vacation across the world

walks the dogs with me 

but he’s also the one

who made me try to secretly buy concealer at age 7 to cover up the bruises 

who i’m scared to go near when he’s in a bad mood or my grades are anything less than an A+

who i can’t ever go to talk to 

who lets me cry alone at night because no matter what i say he won’t listen he just yells more and more and threatens and _please god make it stop i’ve had enough i can’t do this anymore_

i can’t do this anymore. 

i spent more time in my childhood with my mom. my dad was always away at work until late. she raised me. she raised me with low self esteem, a fear of authority figures, and constant jabs at my grades, my room, my weight, my acne, my face, the way i talk, the way i dress, the way i’m never enough. 

i wonder how different i could’ve been if i wasn’t raised by my parents.

still a failure. 

failure.

that word is tossed around my household like hello or goodnight. 

failure. worthless. nobody. fat. lazy. disappointment. 

and things i won’t repeat.

i don’t think anyone should hear that. except maybe me. 

i deserve nothing. 

i’m the reason they hate me. i’m the reason for their anger. if i was smarter, if i was more impressive, if i was cleaner, if i was thinner, if i was better - maybe they’d love me. 

that dinner table scene where the dad teaches the kid math but starts yelling out of frustration, but imagine the yells combined with hits. imagine the yells were insults and threats of violence. imagine it took the entire night instead of just an hour. and imagine after it was all over the dad pretended nothing had ever happened. 

i attempted suicide. age 12. my parents knew. i wasn’t sent to inpatient. i wasn’t sent to outpatient. i wasn’t sent to therapy either. 

they offered. but being admitted to a mental hospital or outpatient or even therapy meant my problems were real. i was scared. i told them i was fine. i said _don’t worry about me. i made a stupid decision. i’m ok._ and nothing more. they dropped the topic with a sigh of relief. it was easier for them to ignore my problems if i tried to ignore them too. it was my fault. but they didn’t ask again, not even a few months later when they caught me with cuts on my arms and thighs, scars on my wrists and tears dripping down my face. that time i didn’t say a word. they walked away. 

but it could be worse.

i have no right to complain. i should be grateful. so incredibly grateful for everything they’ve done for me. they’ve given me a roof to live under. clean water, access to food and education and friends, opportunites other kids didn’t have. i live comfortably. i have two dogs i love. they’ve done so much for me. they _do_ so much for me. 

i love them. sometimes i wish i didn’t.


End file.
